Rock Hill Safety and Armchair Criminologists

Safewise awarded Rock Hill with the 7th place of safe cities in Missouri. I’m not surprised. First of all, our weekly list of crime reports in the newspaper reads like America’s Funniest Home Videos. My favorite Rock Hill crime of all time is the time when ‘Police where called for an animal bite. Upon arrival, the animal turned out to be a chicken, and no victim could be identified.’ You know you live in a safe city when your Police Department is investigating whether or not a chicken pecked at someone. Also, we’d better be safe, as we’re spending more money on our police force than on anything else. We have ten officers in our little town; I bet the Stasi didn’t even have that kind of police/citizen ratio.

That joke was a little edgy. Let's balance things out a bit.

That joke was a little edgy. Let’s balance things out a bit.

Anyway, Safewise has a list of 50 safe cities in Missouri. They add a little description with every city, like any good internet list should have. The first two sentences are quite alright:

Walk down any street in Rock Hill and you’ll find quaint brick houses situated between leafy green trees. This small city of just over 4,000 residents doesn’t take the natural scenery for granted.

You know what, that’s a little Morning Mood, but I’ll take it. And the leavy green trees really depend on the season, but whatever. My problem is in the third sentence:

The community is invested in protecting the rich environment around them.

Now I have to call shenanigans. Remember the Fairfax House? Together with a very idyllic church, it was a Rock Hill landmark for years. In fact, it laid the foundation for the brand new gas station that takes up half the city. Of course, they moved the Fairfax house, but the church is transformed into a plaque alongside the road, with letters too small to read from your car. I get gas at this station a lot, so I won’t complain too much, but dear Safewise copywriter, you can’t make this stuff up and get away with it. The community may be invested, but the city rules with an iron fist. You clearly have never been in Rock Hill, where they will apparently sell their own mom if it brings in a solid stream of sales tax. O well, it pays for the police force, I guess. Those chickens won’t investigate themselves.



3 thoughts on “Rock Hill Safety and Armchair Criminologists

    • To have beaked or not, that is the question. And you can spend a ridiculous amount, but does your city make the top 50 of safe cities in your province? I ask the question and see idyllic Canadian cities pop up. In my mind it’s almost a miracle you have a police force.

  1. Oh Bas, you missed perfection in that joke: “to have beaked or not to have beaked” (or to simplify, but not quite the sense you’re looking for) “to beak or not to beak.” Oh man. I covet that joke.

    Also, your “recovery” from your “edgy” joke made me laugh so hard, my Paul thought I was laughing at something else.

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