Loopholes In Homeland Security Exposed

Since the founding of the Department of Homeland Security (DHS, for experts, lovers of abbreviations and yours truly), the security business in the United States starts to look more and more like one of those real-life shows where contestants try to impose logic-defeating rules on unsuspecting counter-participants. MTV had one of those, Boiling Point, where people received $100 for having others walk all over them for a set period of time. I strongly believe DHS is doing the same now. “You want to fly? Okay, but we want to see you naked first. Please stand over there, with your arms raised.” I think the whole idea of air travel passengers standing in a line holding their shoes is the result of a brain storm session where one hot shot told the other, “I bet you a thousand bucks I can make everyone take off their shoes in some twisted patriotic sense of homeland security.” All us unsuspecting participants can do, is patiently wait for the big prize.

Nerdy reference? Check!

Nerdy reference? Check!

In the meantime, the real security measures aren’t water proof either. It takes a little effort, but once you see the flawed logic, danger starts creeping in. Please only read on if you trust yourself, because the truth in the wrong hands will crumble any nation in corruption. First of all, there is the spectacular question on form I-94W, a form for foreigners entering the US. In its entirety, it reads: Have you ever been or are you now involved in espionage or sabotage; or in terrorist activities; or genocide; or between 1933 and 1945 were involved, in any way, in persecutions associated with Nazi Germany or its allies? I would like to focus on the legislation that expended this question some other time, but for now, let’s look at the part where they ask you if you’re a spy. Because really, there are three options:
1. Yes, I am a spy, but since I am stupid enough to admit this on a form in an airplane, you have nothing to fear, really.
2. I do not have to sit here and be accused of something like that (you are a spy, but you can read and spy, so you choose ‘no’).
3. I am not a spy.

Also, if you were a nazi in 1933, and a minimum of 16 years old back then, I don't think you can read that sentence anymore.

Also, if you were a nazi in 1933, and a minimum of 16 years old back then, I don’t think you can read that sentence anymore.

In another instance, the security background check, the following question comes up: to your knowledge, did the person the security check concerns ever download classified information with the intent of spreading it to harm the United States? This is a closed question, so the answer is yes or no. Again, I present you the three options:
1. I do know he downloaded classified information. The reason I know this is because we are in a scheme together, but to protect myself, the answer I give is no.
2. I do not know he downloaded classified information. He did, but decided that this is the sort of activity you don’t run around telling everybody. My answer is no.
3. I do not know he downloaded such information, and he didn’t. My answer is no.

I’ve showed you the logic people. Now try sleeping at night. Because before you know it, a lying 1933 Nazi criminal will be under your bed.


10 thoughts on “Loopholes In Homeland Security Exposed

  1. Of course there is logic in the Nazi questions! The US of A invited lots of the worst Nazi criminal over to live in the States instead of having them tried at Nuernberg and executed with the rest of Hitler’s henchmen. Why? Because they were rocket scientists! Fact. So, meine lieben Reisenden, if you can answer that question with a resounding Jawohl meine Herren, I was a double crossing spy in 1933 and know all about rockets, you get a green card and a pat on the back at the same time. Great post, thanks for making me laugh out loud!

      • I think you are trying very hard to get recruited to Mainland Security! And quite right too. Should I ever be foolish enough to step into another airport, I shall look forward to strip searches for everyone below the age of 35 but over the age of 16 and interesting boarding cards with sections covering favourite ways to betray one’s country and most favoured weapons for eliminating fellow-spies during flights. I shall recognise these measures as your attempts to bring logic back to air travel and will stand in awe of your ingenuity, Mr Spymaster Missouri:)

  2. Pingback: Tuesday Link Encyclopedia and Self-Promotion | Clarissa's Blog

  3. Answering the questions untruthfully would make the person subject to deportation, and (I would guess) prosecution for perjury. They got Al Capone for tax evasion.

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