Dear Mr. Mayor,
Congratulations on your heroic victory. Those must have been some anxious hours, waiting for the results to come in. I am pleased to see that you have managed to be a lifelong resident of our very small town. I read you live next to your mother, which could be on purpose as well as at random, because if you live in a place that has only 5,000 inhabitants, there is a very good chance you’ll end up living next to your mom. Also, when I passed our city’s welcome sign, I noticed we are the ‘home of the Fairfax House’. When I searched the web for the house, I was pleased to find that none of my tax dollars are spent on keeping the website online. Also, the house looks like a foreclosure after it moved from the street corner to right behind the gas station. Just as well; it keeps the pressure off of your massive police force keeping the crime rate low and raking in the dollars by fishing for speeding tickets all the darn day long. Maybe you should propose naming our city ‘speed trap capital of Missouri’ and break down that whole Fairfax house. I’ll leave that to you.
But I don’t know if drastic decisions like that are something you’re interested in. After all, it’s all politics, isn’t it? Asked for your goals, you first of all refer to the fights that have been going on among the aldermen. Really? Come on; I think small-town politics are cute as well, but let’s get real and notice our porta potty city hall isn’t actually Capitol Hill. Although I see you have plans for a grown-up city hall as well. I have an idea; how about fixing the roads first. Never mind we all know to drive around the one entire-lane pot hole at the intersection at McKnight and Litzinger, or that a broken road is also a hidden safety measure as driving the speed limit will slowly kill your tires, our roads are crap. And when you realize that those speed tickets are a higher source of income than property taxes, licenses & permits, miscellaneous income AND intergovernmental revenues together, smooth roads are only an investment towards more speed ticket revenue, leading to that highly desired new city hall. Or wait, perhaps we can make the Fairfax house into that city hall? Three birds, one stone, Mr. Mayor; you are welcome.