The end of a series, the end of my life as I knew it. In a few hours, I’ll be on a plane to Dublin. From there on, as if I wanted to be slowly let down in the warm bath that is the United States, I’ll make a stop in Chicago before I set foot in Saint Louis, my new home. I have written this post many, many times in my head. The last few days were days full of goodbyes. I hate them; both the days and the goodbyes. REM sings it in what I believe could be their best song, I feel it in the eyes full of tears that are burning in my neck whenever I (had to) leave miss Missouri, and it’s evident in the handshakes of friends that may be the last in a long time: “it’s easier to leave than to be left behind”. I’m going to build a new life in a new country, together with the love of my life and the best friend I could ever have. And still, I hate leaving.
Whenever you leave your country, you come to love it more. I’ve seen it in this last year. The national anthem has a little more meaning, history gets just a little more personal and my home town is a jewel amongst other cute little towns. Every goodbye suddenly stands in the perspective of today: my leaving. It’s not that I won’t come back, it’s more that it will be coming back rather than having been there.
At the same time, maybe not on a last night, I know that this is what I want. Sometimes, it’s not about easy. I get to build a life on a clean slate, something others would hope for. I have the freedom to be on two continents whenever I want and I will be staying in a country that welcomes new dreams, my enthusiasm and hopefully will keep attracting me for years to come. I have realized that I am more Dutch than I would have ever known if I’d only stayed here, but I also know that I am more American than most Dutch could be. In the believe that combining two worlds may bring out the best in people, I am bringing my own world to Missouri. Sure, it won’t be visiting anymore, but as long as it feels new enough, I will keep blogging. For now, I leave you with a song that captures my mood like no other, and a promise. Sure, it’s in German, but it’s engrained in Dutch culture. Best of all, the text and music dance together to tell you what I would want to tell you. The promise is a little poem that I wanted to write, but I want to look over it once more, because it turns out I’m horrible at poetry. I’ll have tomorrow in a lot of airplanes to see it again. Now, it’s time to go to bed. Early flight in the morning.
I’ll translate the text in the comments 🙂